Funnies from around the World and Pattaya, Thailand

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Funny Cartoons and Pictures from around the World and Pattaya, Thailand
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Funny Faces from around the World and Pattaya, Thailand

Sh, it's a secret... We be edumacated...
Sh, it's a secret... We be edumacated...
Enough said.. This much improved whoopee cushion reinflates on its own. It's always ready to make its classic botty burp noise. Reliable, easy to use and more fun than the original.
Enough said.. This much improved whoopee cushion reinflates on its own. It's always ready to make its classic botty burp noise. Reliable, easy to use and more fun than the original.
Typo? Irony at its finest.
Typo? Irony at its finest.
Leave your soul at the front gate, please. FAKE Teeth which will SHOCK strangers and leave your friends CRYING with laughter!!!
Leave your soul at the front gate, please. FAKE Teeth which will SHOCK strangers and leave your friends CRYING with laughter!!!
Shh, it's a secret... #2 This one is in Phoenix AZ, no lie!
Shh, it's a secret... #2 This one is in Phoenix AZ, no lie!
Umm, oucho!! Range of top quality fancy dress costumes including some for the Fuller Figure
Umm, oucho!! Range of top quality fancy dress costumes including some for the Fuller Figure
I don't even know what to say for this one. Idaho state legislature putting the street dealers outta business.
I don't even know what to say for this one. Idaho state legislature putting the street dealers outta business.
Amazingly, Bob and Dave never made it to their original destination... wherever it was. Comprehensive range of quality masks
Amazingly, Bob and Dave never made it to their original destination... wherever it was. Comprehensive range of quality masks
??? Have another beer dude, tomorrow you won't find it nearly as funny.
??? Have another beer dude, tomorrow you won't find it nearly as funny.
Major dilemma. Remote Controlled Fart Machine
Major dilemma. Remote Controlled Fart Machine
'CAUTION: HANDICAPPED-MAN-EATING CROCODILE AT BOTTOM OF HILL' Some times a name change is the best idea...
'CAUTION: HANDICAPPED-MAN-EATING CROCODILE AT BOTTOM OF HILL' Some times a name change is the best idea...
If you say so! Halloween masks
If you say so! Halloween masks
I think I'll keep driving! Little extreme, I think! (and what about the women?)
I think I'll keep driving! Little extreme, I think! (and what about the women?)
Somehow I don't think that will work! Now there's a movie you don't see everyday!
Somehow I don't think that will work! Now there's a movie you don't see everyday!



I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller Number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration team. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

It's the latest innovation in office safety. When your computer crashes, an air bag is activated so you won't bang your head in frustration. Isaan Waterskiing.
It's the latest innovation in office safety. When your computer crashes, an air bag is activated so you won't bang your head in frustration Isaan Waterskiing
I just thought I'd drop by and thank your husband personally for visiting my porn site 187,000 times last month

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "O my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."

I just thought I'd drop by and thank your husband personally for visiting my porn site 187,000 times last month
How do I pronounce nuclear?
It looks like you wrote a dirty word
This page is probably fucked Hi, I'm Suzie the office slut


How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of India a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

30 reasons why it's good to be a bloke

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. You can be President.
5. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
9. You never have to drive to another gas station because "this one's just too icky."
10. Same work... more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux Rental $100.
14. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
15. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
18. Your socks are not attached to your underpants.
19. Your phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
20. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
21. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
22. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
23. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
24. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
25. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
26. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
27. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
28. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

What Gender is a Computer?

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine - "la maison."
"Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is a 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won!

Sorry to bug you

As you know....I travel a lot. In my travels I find that you should be careful of what things mean in other countries.
I think you maybe already know what I mean. Well if not here are a few examples that I am sure you will agree that are strange.

Thrusting out the middle finger or 'flipping the bird' is one of the more familiar hand gestures. Its popularity is worldwide and it has been around a very long time. No one is sure how it originated but we know the Romans used it at the time of Christ.

While the meaning of 'the finger' is understood around the world, there are several gestures that are peculiar to different regions.

In most of Europe the V sign is meant to represent victory when the palm is kept facing away from you, as was popularized by Winston Churchill during World War II. However, in England and Australia, when the palm faces in, the V sign means 'shove it.' Former President George Bush made the embarrassing gaffe of flashing the 'shove it' sign to the people of Australia during his 1992 visit there, much to the amusement of the Aussies. The President didn't know that there are two ways to give the V sign, or maybe he just forgot. Either way, it was not much of a victory for George 'down under.'

The American OK sign is widely accepted as meaning all right. In Brazil, however, it is considered obscene. It is also considered impolite in Russia and Greece. In Colombia, the OK sign is placed over the nose to imply that a person is a homosexual.

Tapping the ends of the index fingers together, in Egypt, indicates that two people are sleeping together. It can also be used to ask another person to sleep with you. Slapping the back of the fist with the palm means 'f***k you' in Italy and Chile. The same message can be conveyed in the Mediterranean by hitting the biceps and lifting the forearm.

In Taiwan, blinking of the eyes is considered impolite. In Italy, flicking the ear with the finger signifies that the man in question is effeminate.

Just as there are many gestures in the world to convey one's negative feelings about another, there are also regional differences to show approval. Men around the world have several gestures to imply that a woman is pretty. In the United States, men lift their eyebrows, in the Arab world a man grabs his beard, while in Greece he would stroke his cheek. In Italy, a man sticks his finger into his cheek and rotates it, Frenchmen kiss their fingertips, and Brazilians will pretend to hold up a telescope to their eye.

Obviously, almost any gesture can have meaning, either positive or negative, somewhere in the world. So next time you travel abroad, be careful how you gesture with your hands, you might unwittingly attract unwanted attention from the natives.

Hope I did not bug you...hahhaha
Have a good day....


Maybe Hell is not such a bad place after all....

One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don't have to worry about hangovers because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer-no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you're dead anyway.
Guy: Coooool!

Satan: What about drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack...or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?!?!?!
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh...You're gonna HATE Fridays.

Hope I made you smile a little.....Friday Flower

Dentist and a Scotsman

A Scotsman from Edinburgh living in New York America, goes to the Dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.

"$85 for an extraction sir" was the Dentist's reply.

"Och... huv ye no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the Dentist.

"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the Dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetics" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the Dentist.

"Och... that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students, I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the Dentist.

"Now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can you confirm an appointment for the wee wife on Tuesday?"

Kiek in de Kök
Arse Race
Click to Play
Fright Glove
Freddy Kruger used a glove with vicious knives attached to the fingers to terrify and murder his victims in the Nightmare on Elm Street films. Now you can frighten your friends with this imitation Fright Glove.
Butt Head Game
Ridiculous Game for all ages which involves throwing balls at other people's heads. Indoors or Out, it can only get funnier the drunker you are. It's great for parties or idle evenings in. Comes with a amusing booklet of rules.
Dancing Blair
Click to Play
Farting Nun Organ
Click to Play
Chattering Teeth
Chattering Teeth wound by a key.
Groucho Specs
These are the classic Groucho glasses with fake fur eyebrows and moustache and a soft rubbery nose. A must have item.
Click to Play
Click to Play
Flashing Bow Tie
Flashing Bow Tie.
Stripping Pens (Gents)
The Full Monty. Tip the pen and their sexy black trunks slide away to reveal their somewhat unappetizing meat and two veg.
Click to Play
Beer is good for you
Click to Play
Sorry we can't email your pizza as attachment Rubber Boobs
The best a man can get. Always happy to see you and never sag. Love Cuffs
For intimate lovers only. These hand cuffs look fluffy but they hide metal cuffs beneath. Come with two keys but also a safety release feature so you don't always have to be tied to one lover.
He saw your laptop and wants to know if he can check his Hotmail Muscle Chest
Get the body you've always wanted for less than six quid.
We must be on a mailing list Realistic Life Sized Human Skull
He's always smiling. A realistic plastic skull which has a hinged jaw that moves so he can talk back to you!! Makes a spooky decoration or simply a useful Shakespearian prop.
You can't just punch in 'let there be light' without writing the code underlying the user interface functions Inflatable Skeleton
This life sized character makes a great party guest and gets some strange looks when he is the passenger in a car.
Stripping Pens (Ladies)
Phwooar!!!! These girls go all the way. Tip the pen and their sexy black costumes slides away to reveal them, completely naked.
Arrow through Head
The two halves of the arrow are held onto your head by a thin wire which can be bent to fit all adults. Another classic visual gag which never fails to raise a laugh.
Hand Buzzer
Wind it up and hide it in your palm. When someone shakes your hand they press the button and get a surprise. Ideal when meeting important clients or world leaders.

Subject: Those Funny Brits!

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

And not forgetting Cricket - "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey"

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Did You Know...If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man replied, '150.'

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man responded, '100.'
So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.
The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'

The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man replied, '50.'
The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Bush again?'


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Frank Sinatra
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Two friends are walking in the jungle.
Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them.
One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.
With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out-run that tiger with those?"
"I don't need to out-run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Your loan has been may fill up
Fill 'er up
I had it all, nice wife, a house in the 'burbs, a luxury car....then I went to the gas station for a fill-up
Wife and 2 cars to feed
They were cheaper than buying gas for the mower
Police artist sketch of robbery suspect
So you want to buy a tank of gas
Spend your tax refund here
No, they left the money, but they siphoned all our gas
Oh, I'm not broken down..I just thought you'd be cheaper than buying gas

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

The company Man...

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Which BackStreet Boy Is Gay
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Smooth Criminal
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As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.
Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit."
"Now it's the Box office."

Chat Room Fun
How To Spot A Rich Guy
Plumbing Service
The Husband Must Have Got Home Early

SERENE JAPANESE COMPUTER MESSAGES Here are some actual error messages reportedly seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen......Mind..........Both are blank.

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'Before enlightenment - chop wood, fetch water. After enlightenment - chop wood, fetch water'
It's the little things that count.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


Life in reverse:-

Wouldn't it be much nicer to live life backwards?

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for high school.

You go to Primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby

And then ......

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day.

And then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

*The Englishman*:
Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.

*The American*:
Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

*The Chinese*:
Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

*The Japanese*:
Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

*The Israeli*:
Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.

*The Palestinian*:
Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: The Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.

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Beijing Fast Food

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